Sunday, March 9, 2014

Whoops….Women With Children are Not Contagious...

Before I became a mother, I had the perfect vision of what my life was going to be like. I was going to get married to a wonderful man, move to the suburbs, pop out a couple of kids and live happily ever after until my husband cheated on me with the nanny or I ran off with the Mexican gardener. Although I knew deep down that the American dream was complete and utter bullshit, I still wanted it.

When I was in high school, my friends around me were getting knocked up and dropping out of school. This dream did not include getting knocked up before I graduated from high school, my friends around me succumbed to the numerous stereotypes prescribed to Black people. Some of these included: getting on welfare (and staying there) and most importantly, getting involved with a man who had children. That wasn't the way the dream was supposed to go. Getting involved with a man with children meant that I was getting a piece of his dream, that those children would never be my own and that they would never see me as their mother. The last thing I ever wanted to hear was "you can't tell me what to do. You're not my mom". I didn't want to get caught in the midst of the drama between him and his "baby mama" or "ex wife". I also didn't want to be seen as a threat to someone else. There was just no way in hell I was getting into that bed.

 I was an ASSHOLE who prescribed to a series of stereotypes that were completly untrue: people with children automatically come with drama.  As a single mother, I now have a completely different perspective. You know what they say: don't talk shit about what you don't know. After my husband and I separated, I gave online dating a try considering I don't enjoy skulking around in bars and lounges. I like places where you can actually have a conversation with someone. Once I got online, I discovered a world of what I characterize as "haters". A rather large pool of men who had no desire to date a woman with a kid or kids. Here was the main the reason: these men had no interest in drama or raising a child that wasn't their own. Men also seemed to be concerned with single mothers wanting their money and asking for their bills to be paid. Most importantly, the idea that they would never be number one to the woman seemed to be a major source of resistance.

I'm here to set the record straight. No judgment, because I was once there too. I don't need you to raise my kid. He has both his dad and mom. Would I like you to play a productive role in my child's life if we were to get into a serious relationship? Of course! Who wouldn't? The last thing I need is dead weight in my life. As for theatrics, there is minimal drama between my ex and I. Yeah, we get into it every once a while but for the most part, we are able to get along. And don't worry...I won't be discussing disagreements we may have with's none of your business. As far as finances are concerned,  I don't want your money. Clearly there are benefits to a combined income and I'm all about things being as fair as they possibly can. You won't find a high maintenance woman here! Its supposed to be a partnership and I want you to work as hard as I do. Lastly, you will never be NUMBER ONE. My son always comes first. Get over it!

That being said for all you men out there who are adamant about not dating a woman with children: check your biases at the door. Are they coming from personal experience or what your buddy said about that chick he took out who brought her two brats, who asked him to pay for everything, and had two fights via phone with her kids daddy about how he was late with the child support payments? The truth is, we feel the way we feel for a reason and usually it's based on assumptions rather than the truth. Open your minds and hearts because you never know what you could be missing out on! I'm pretty fucking awesome!


  1. Well said. Those "haters" in my experience have undisclosed "issues" . . . thank you for opening this important conversation.

  2. Thank you for taking the time to read my blog! As I said in my post, no judgment! I once internalized these stereotypes as well. However, becoming a single mom completely changed my perspective! It's important to address ignorance because that is what leads to so much other petty bs..

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  4. You ARE pretty awesome Jenn.

    Before I was married, I dated two women with children. Neither budding relationship worked out for various reasons which were not related to them having children. One of them is still one of the loveliest friends I could ever hope for, and her son is amazing too. The reasons I allowed myself to love and be with these women, despite their having children, were many...

    The women were worth it. Their kids were sweet and also worth my time and love. As units, these women and their children enriched my life in many ways. Generally, these single moms were more well put together in terms of maturity than most women I met. They cared about others more, had more depth and honesty, liked to get to the point (which is completely hot to me), were more assertive (also hot), and showed more genuine interest in spending alone time with me.

    But generally, I was never #1. And I LOVED it. I like alone time. Mom and kid gonna go spend time together? Great! Also, I liked being a part of those kids' lives in those relationships. And I liked having them around to break up alone time, because me and the mom didn't really have time to get all dramatic with one another or worry too much about petty bullshit. I agreed the kid should be the priority. To me, that wasn't rocket science.

    Also, if a guy doesn't like being around kids, that shit doesn''t bode well for anybody.

  5. You raise some good points. And that was my initial reaction when I encountered all of these men who had no interest in dating women with children. Did they want someone who was out all night partying who had no real sense of responsibility? I think it's more so that a man knows that he can't just show up at a woman's house who has children and whisk her away for the weekend spontaneously. She's gotta get childcare in place. The truth is, we as mothers don't have the same freedom as women who don't have children. However, we also have a lot of qualities that childless women lack.

  6. This is brilliant Jenn. These are the things that need to be said about single mothers that no one actually says. Thanks for your honesty.